Memoirs of a Lagos City Hustler (LCH) - Part 4 #LCH

As interesting as it was, it took it's toll on me. Between the 10km walk, the security headache at the women in enterprise event, the ipad recording at the 50k challenge and the founder2be one yesterday, yours truly was knocked out beyond words! I am only just managing to turn on my laptop today. As in, o re body pata pata. I wish I could shut down and sleep in for two days straight! But who dash monkey banana!

Thank God it's monday, Kennedy has the floor with #LCH......

Part 4.......

I wasn't a spoilt kid,infact the only things they spoilt me with was regular beatings and absurd punishments. I was always top of my class yet was very mischievous, always hiding behind my innocent and chubby face. I was a terrible bully and was feared by my peers. I recall me playing the popular "police and thief" with my classmates, I was always a 'thief' but would be the one chasing the 'police',it was that crazy then.

This particular break time, I let myself be chased by this 'police' and as I ran past the swing set on the playground, I pulled it and let it go and like clockwork, it hit him on the forehead, he fainted(I know because I ran past him twice). My dad did beat the hell outta me, every cell in my body was in pain and that still did not stop me(at least not yet). Everyday,someone always came home to report me for one mischief or the other(and yet compare their children to me on price giving days).

I had been beaten with almost everything; stick,cane,belt,shrubs,wires,ruler,whip etc... I would always devise a better way to commit each mischief. The one time I came home crying was when I was bitten by a girl(always thought she was a witch cos she had to rows of teeth), my dad beat me for crying to a girl's bite. I got to school the next day with same vengeance and beat her to pulp(what?!......I was just a kid) (Evoo shaid) and on getting home,I shared my ordeals with my dad and he beat me all over again(I thought at that point he hated me).

I got into secondary school(the then great Lagos State Model College) at the age of 8 and upon seeing seniors with beards like my father and breasts like my mother who would beat shit out of you even in the presence of your parents, all my mischief just simmered and turned to pretence.

I'd fill y'all in with the rest of my secondary school days later but now I'd fast forward to 12 years after secondary school, this bus conductor stepped on my shoes on a way to an interview(one I wasn't sure I was going to get the job),I politely asked him to take a look expecting an apology and this guy rained curses on me and spat at my feet, I entered my zen mode(that mode of i-dont-care-what-happens-again)as he jumped on the moving bus to leave the scene, I dragged him down by his shorts and he landed on his back,I stamped his face with my heel,pulled him up and headbutt him severally. I told him to apologise and with every 'sorry' that he said, it was an extra headbutt, with all the touts and his driver begging for him, I let go of his bloody face with one last headbutt that he fainted.

I bought 'pure-water' to rinse my face and poured the rest on him, he immediately jumped up and started running, his driver caught up with him after hundreds of meters and assured him that I wasn't chasing, I got to the interview late only to find out it was a scam interview somewhere in toyin street, ikeja. I was pleased with myself  that I taught him a lesson because if I had ignored him only to find out about the sham interview, I wouldn't be myself the whole day. That would have been just too much to deal with.

Though I felt bad resolving to violence, once in a while, Lagos conductors need the lessons of a Hustler like me. I wonder how many tie-clad, white collar job seeking humans they have harassed. Then again,I knew I could take him on, but please if you go and try it...just take a picture before they stitch your lips,post it to instagram and tag me(@4qhen)

Do have a lovely day and I'd see you next Monday!!!

LCH is an exaggerated non-fiction story exclusive to mofolusade's blog. Every name or character is fictional and any resemblance to a real name or character is just mere coincidence.

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